Car sickness

Do bears shit in the woods? Is the pope Catholic? Rhetorical questions emphasising the ordinariness of something axiomatic. Either could be applied to Morpeth's “Lights Out!” movement, but neither quite captures its rank awfulness: "Do pigs swive enmired in their own filth?” comes closer to capturing the tone.

Cynical, opportunist Tory politicians get into bed with disaffected car users aggrieved at a planning decision that doesn't genuflect in the way they would like before their bloated sense of priority and prerogative. Run of the mill stuff. You'd fret that a politician passing up such an opportunity to embarrass a sitting administration mightn't be sufficiently cynical and opportunist to be a Tory; you'd fear that in some barely viable recess of his stiffening heart there may lurk a shameful doubt as to whether society's poorest and most vulnerable really should foot the bill for the criminal anarcho-capitalist excesses of the Financial Services Sector. And you'd worry that a middle aged car user of thickening waistline not moved to direct action by a planning decision that didn't prioritise the convenience of the car user over the interests of everyone else, might not be the full Clarkson; might in some un-coarsened corner of his being still need convincing that public transport is communist privation, or that active travel is a malaise best confined to the developing world and a few un-depilated Dutch and Danish hippies.

There's much about this that is ordinarily rotten. It's only averagely weasely that pedestrian safety should be invoked as a reason to remove lights which crimp the priority of free flowing traffic through the town centre, for example. But it's the cynical use of bairns which crosses the line and takes us into something sulphurous. Observe the smiling children used to garnish the Lights Out! march in this Morpeth Herald slideshow. Reflect that in 2010, 2,502 children were killed or seriously injured on UK roads. Consider that exposure to vehicle exhaust has been shown to impact negatively on the cognitive development and pulmonary health of children. Note that in 1971 80% of seven and eight year old children travelled to school without adult supervision, which figure had fallen to 9% by 1990. In what sense does the appropriation and 'generational cleansing' of public space by car users serve the interests of children?

And the Morpeth Herald? Described by the campaign as "respected and politically independent", in fact a selective echo chamber, amplifying the banal peeves of 'me first' car users, but providing no platform for alternative views. Over the months of this campaign generous space has been given to its gripes, unleavened by anything as controversial as analysis of the group's claims, political affiliation and agenda. Happy to publish letters fulminating against the lights and the mild erosion of car user privilege they represent, from car users “incandescent with rage”, “absolutely appalled by the garbage spouted”, car users asking – revealingly and with no little melodrama - “how much more do we have to suffer before we get our town back?” (whose town?), happy to chip in with supportive editorial comment “Why, oh why, does Northumberland County Council not admit defeat over the Morpeth traffic lights?”

They wouldn't publish this:

Sir,

were I to grind through Morpeth every morning and afternoon to and from my static place of work – not shopping, merely transporting myself; single occupant of my tonnage of private heavy machinery; eschewing viable public transport options; unwilling to car share with near neighbours making much the same journey; refusing to walk or cycle over trivial distances; needlessly adding my own space-voracious blart and stench and physical threat to the congested, snarling stink that is the central Morpeth peak-time street scene - I'd count my blessings for not being hammered with a congestion charge or asbo for the privilege, instead of frothing off about traffic lights pricking my engorged sense of entitlement and priority. “Oi Morpeth, you're in my way; can't you see I'm driving here?!”

You wouldn't expect greasing my passage to take priority in every transport planning decision, any more than you would expect alcohol pricing and licensing law to be dictated by derelict alcoholics.

So more traffic lights please. And more pedestrian crossings. And home zones. And play streets. And safe routes to school. And a blanket 20mph speed limit within the town boundary. And re-distribution of street space to pedestrians and cyclists. And while we're about it, let's close the roads one day a year, that our plucky traffic wardens, heroes all, might parade through the town in their splendid uniforms to the rapturous ticker-tape reception of a liberated people..

Let's close with a picture:

  

So which mode or modes of personal transport should we do most to support in the heart of this compact and historic market town? Answers on a bumper sticker..

Yours wearily,

Why the Morpeth Herald would disallow the accurate observation that Morpeth suffers a surfeit of cars, many of them being used unnecessarily for journeys that could readily be made differently, is unclear. There's very little advertising from the motor trade in the standard edition. Perhaps the periodic (monthly?) 'Motors Today' supplement is a revenue stream significant enough to warp editorial perspective. Perhaps the editor, Paul Larkin, plays golf with Cllr Towns; perhaps he believes that trying to get a quart of cars into a pint pot of town is a worthwhile exercise. Who knows?

Other stories you may be reading soon in the Morpeth Herald:

Courageous pensioner repels burglar after violent struggle, then calls for more free parking: Rare Squacco heron sighted on Wansbeck rails against “diabolical” traffic wardens: Traffic fumes cured my asthma, wheezes 4yr old William from his oxygen tent: A man in a lion costume says “I love Morpeth and this is not about doing the town down, but promoting and protecting drivers”, before being urged to pipe down by a Tory councillor: Townsfolk rejoice as car parks emerge miraculously unscathed from worst floods in a generation: Car users call for historic building eyesore to be razed and laid to tarmac: Parents applauded for decision to lock children in the cellar until old enough to use cars: “Lights Out!” spokesman proves cars are made of cinnamon-flavoured fuzzy felt, powered by the tinkling laughter of elves...

Things you probably won't ever read in the Morpeth Herald:

“It is vital that we have policies that encourage a modal shift away from unnecessary car use and the development of a transport environment that facilitates active and public transport journeys.” British Medical Association. Healthy Transport = Healthy Lives. July 2012

"The wide scale implementation of a 20mph limit was identified in the literature search as being one of the best possible policy options. This would not just reduce road accidents but also promote healthy and active transport." Public Health North East. Improving Health in the North East through Transport Solutions. March 2009