Green workplace travel plan

Underlings,

for some years now you have been parking your private cars on the lawned area at the front of the building, scarring and killing the grass and generally making the place look like the sort of crap-heap no-one should care about. We briefly entertained the idea of asking you to desist, then remembered we do the same and so are happy to report that common sense has prevailed. We understand that it would be an insufferable indignity for those of you making short visits to the site to use the adjacent, free, short stay car park. We get that using our own empty courtyard car park would be an unpardonable affront given that it stands full fifty hard yards from the front door. And the suggestion that you might use the free all day car park circa 170 yards away? I think we all recognise a puerile insult when we see one. We, your management, are not made of stone and feel your pain.

Grasscrete is our gift to you. We've ripped out tipper trucks of turf and topsoil, laid down some plastic matrix, backfilled with some sandy medium - the crete is that? - and have scattered new grass seed to create designated parking for y'all. 11.7 thousand austerity pounds sterling; don't mention it, automobilised friends, you're welcome.

And that's not all. We've anticipated this doesn't solve the problem of traversing the five yards from your vehicles to your desks. So we've installed a ramp up to the back door. How's that going to help?, we hear you quaver. Have a little faith in our strategic acuity: a couple of these are on order.

We envisage a pool of trained volunteers drawn from the local community, 'Mobility Champions' if you will, ready at short notice to come in and scoop you, like so many soft balls of over-buttered mash, from your drivers' seats, wheel you into the building up the ramp and lower you gently into your office chairs.

For those of you who may have been hoping this latest round of alterations to the site would finally include a crumb of provision for people who've been cycling, walking and using public transport to get to work for years, we've a cracking joke: What's 'green' about our workplace travel plan? Give up? Your envious faces! Boom-tish! Bet you're all GoSmarting from this slap in the chops, right!?

We're on fire and we're here all week. In fact we're here for your entire working lives.

Anyone seen my car keys?

Regards

.

Bosses